Let me just hook up the clamps...

Cosmopolitan makes me feel like a bad lover, because they want to make me "better" and I'm satisfied just being satisfied. The same article has been written, 80 different ways by 80 different authors, male and female, regarding how to make your partner, "scream for more". I think couples should talk about sexual gratification the same way they discuss the number of children they want to have and where they want to settle down. "So, would you need me to grind on your scrotum with a sander before we have sex, because I'm just not comfortable doing that." Some of the suggestions made by the authors, included...try not to laugh...a sensual soak for two, massages, giving each other facials (for real), lighting candles and my absolute favorite, blindfolding each other and having each partner tickle the other with a feather. I can't remember every tip, as I was on the floor, doubled over at the thought of Chris letting me give him a facial before we have sex. NOT BLOODY LIKELY! Candles near the bed...that doesn't seem too dangerous. How many people actually have access to a bathtub big enough for themselves, let alone themselves and their partner? I suppose you could sponge each other down, hospital style. Last time I attempted a massage, I upset a previously dislocated shoulder. Whatever happened to just being naked? That's been the only foreplay needed with most men I've been with...and that's not many, in case you may have been wondering. But Cosmo wants me to think that nudity isn't enough! I have to rappel from the ceiling at a 90 degree angle, my leg positioned just so, behind my ear, so my husband can hit that "sweet spot" for 2 seconds. I say, screw you Cosmo!(Pun fully intended.) Creating unreal expectations of flowery, vanilla scented sex and/or crazy, wild marathon sessions of acrobatics, that even acrobats would cringe at! There was one article devoted completely to the "male G spot"; this hard to locate pleasure zone, that women need a miners helmet and a map to discover. "Rev him up and make him scream for more!" the author promised. It was like trying to find berries in a bramble and after less then 10 minutes the frustration and anger HAD made him scream; for me to get the hell away from him. Remember when missionary was still considered sex and it was okay to be there and back in less then 15 minutes, satisfied and ready to watch "The Simpsons"? Simpler times, friends, simpler times. Uncomplicated sex is still sex. Since when does having a list of instructions on hand to assemble your orgasm, mean you're having "better sex". Sex is good as is, no assembly required...batteries sometimes, but factory ready! I don't read Cosmo articles anymore, as I've come to realize it is a publication geared mainly toward young, urban professionals, with NO children. I don't begrudge anyone their fantasy, but in my limited experience, the feather tickling "prince", always turns into the "steak and a hummer will do,king" at some point and the candles eventually become nothing but wick. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that, either. (This post was IN NO WAY intended to make those who need a little extra knudge to get their rocks off, feel inadequate!)