Today is my due date. I'm uncomfortable. I'm experiencing contractions that seem to serve no purpose other than aggravating me. When people ask "When are you due?" and I've told them, I've gotten an array of responses. I've been bombarded by remedies to aid in "speeding things along", regaled with stories about women who've spent more than a week at 7CM and furnished with both looks of sympathy and stifled giggles of pity. Then there are the phone calls and texts asking if there's a baby yet and though, I love everyone and want to inform them of everything, it's discouraging to have to continually answer in the negative. It's like an unending, spiteful jab, right into my uterus...which would actually,be quite welcome, in it's literal context. Here are the things I've heard this week that are driving me ape shit.
1. "Try....",insert food, beverage here. Yeah, you ate Chinese food 3 hours before you went into labor so there must be inducing qualities to the beef Lo Mein. Really, there's no way it could be a coincidence.
2. "Oh, honey, you could be like this for another day or two." Really. Is that necessary? Thankfully, I don't feel like I've been pregnant for an ETERNITY, so that little nugget is sure to make the next few days fly by.
3. "She'll come when she comes." Right up there with, #2. Just another reminder that I have lost control of not only my first child, but my unborn one as well.
4. "On the plus side, the fact that the contractions are getting stronger means you're getting closer." Closer is nowhere near HERE and I'm in pain, so forgive me if the positive side is a little pale to me at this moment. Did I mention I have a 3 year old who doesn't acknowledge the word "Ouch" exists?
5. "Honey, I had 2 kids and spent a week at 9CM. I know just what you're feeling, if not more." A cashier at Target told me this, unsolicited. She asked when I was due, I told her and she began a story that kept me standing, with a whining child and increasing uterine pressure,for an unwanted and extended period of time. Did I also mention I'm not that comfortable right now? I've heard several different interpretations of this same story, including one that involved a mom's ability to feel the baby's head, due to her being "soooo close." Right. I'm still hoping that one was sarcastic, over-exaggeration.
Finally, just for the record, there is NO ONE who feels less sexy, or horney, than a woman, late in her ninth month of pregnancy. If one more person tells me to "get it on", as a means of coaxing my far-too-comfortable child out of my womb, I'm going to whip down my granny panties and show them my overly swelled up nether region. I can't, presently, think of one thing that's more unappealing to me than being naked and/or having sex. Not to digress, but in my opinion, there is NOTHING less attractive than the baby battlefield, that was once my body. Things are hanging well below where they should be, veins are throbbing where veins should never be and fluids of different textures and smells seem to be oozing from every orifice. Fuck you, Demi Moore, Vogue and airbrushing, for trying to delude us preggos into thinking our hormone ravaged bodies are just as sexy, if not more, than they were prior to conception. Before you go off on me, I agree, motherhood is beautiful, pregnancy, a miracle; a thing of splendor in it's significance and meaning. But don't tell me, you can look at puffy, green-veined breasts, dangling as if tied to 100lb anvils, leaking yellow fluid and think, "God, I am HOT!" More to you if you can.
My family has a theory. Quinn, that's her name, can hear us and is refusing to come out until we've all left the premises. I'm hoping if we're all really quiet for the next couple of hours we'll convince her the loud, crazy, swearing assholes have left the building and it's safe to come out of hiding. Honestly, doctors and due dates can kiss my ass. I watch them with their little wheel, mapping out the weeks and marking them down. Pointless. You want to know the due date? Whenever. That's the fucking due date.
