I give strangers great, big hugs and am forcibly removed from the playground.

It's been a while, but I've been topless, coated in vomit and tired for almost three months now...try not to get jealous. The majority of this time was spent on the playground, hoping to tire out my toddler, who I now refer to as, "Don't Evan". I've been thinking of changing his name legally, as he no longer responds to just, "Evan". I have spent a lot of time studying the social customs of the four and under crowd. Their interactions, when truly pondered, are freaking odd. If I behaved toward my peers, strangers or not, in the same manner my son and his friends behave, I would be forcibly removed from the playground. Yet, there they are, acting outside of what I consider to be social norms and I don't bat an eyelash.

1. Hits and Hugs for everyone: Kids will put their hands on anyone and everyone they chose. Though I do discipline him for the hitting part, I tend to laugh off the hugging part. "Oh there goes my son, the hugging bandito!" I chuckle. I stop him from violently assaulting other kids, but when he molests total strangers, I coo it off, as if it's perfectly normal for him to walk up to people he doesn't know and wrap his arms around them. I keep trying to picture myself approaching another woman near the sandbox and embracing her before ever speaking a word. Creepy, right? No cooing. There are some people I've wanted to punch at the playground, but I'm pretty sure that would get me forcibly led to a police station.

2. That looks good. I think I'll have some: As far as a toddler is concerned the world is their refrigerator. It makes no difference if it's left on the table, sitting in dirt, or being clutched by another toddler. They also think every juice cup is their juice cup. Ugh. I, myself, have provided snacks for half of the playground at certain points and not by choice. There's this one kid who has a permanent,"Are you going to finish that" look on his chunky cheeks whenever snacks are doled out. For some reason, I see nothing wrong with allowing this to happen. One kid took a bite out of my apple, while I was in the process of eating it...I'm not fricking kidding...and it didn't bother me. Can you imagine another adult sticking their face in the feedbag without warning? Nibbling a cracker that's still in your fingers, or picking up your iced coffee and taking a huge gulp? Disgusting on so many levels and yet, when kids do it I shrug it off and continue as if nothing has happened.

3.LOOK AT MY BELLY BUTTON!: Why is it so cute when my son lifts his shirt up in public? Why do I not see this as public nudity and insist he cover himself? Would it be as cute if I were to pull my shirt up and stand in front of a random park goer, staring wildly? Would it be any less awkward if I had big, blue eyes? No, no it wouldn't. And, I'm in jail again. When my kids does it, it's adorable. When I do it, it's indecent exposure. Go figure. Underwear also falls into this category. I actually told Ev to show his friends his new underwear. If my mother ever came up to me while I was sitting with my group of gals and forced me to show them my panties, I'd be mortified. I guess this is more of a mothering anomaly than a toddler one. That should be another topic on another day.


I could go on all day, but I'm starting to fade out. It's almost 11, that makes it a banner night for me. Toddlers are little weirdos. I sometimes wonder if I tell myself, "This is normal, they all do this," just so I won't have to get up and modify his weirdo, toddler tendencies. But then I look out at the sea of little weirdos. Their shirts hoisted to their chins with one hand, stealing snacks with their other; sharing a hug, followed by a chug from a strange glass, that's been sitting on the wall half of the afternoon and I think about how normal this will all seem when I'm confronted with his weirdo, teenage tendancies.