I will always love you, but I don't have to like you.

There are days I seem like the epitome of "Mommy Dearest". Days when Evan has pushed me soooo far to the brink that I think I may actually hand him to the next person I see and yell, "No givesies, backsies!", as I drive away quickly toward peace and relaxation. I know that this is not a possible solution,as they always give him back. Before I had a kid, I had a list of emotions that I didn't think I should or would ever feel regarding my offspring and/or my husband, for that matter. Anger, resentment,helplessness and most surprisingly, hatred. Some days, I HATE my kid. I despise him to my core. Same goes for my husband. There were and still are days, where I don't want to be near Evan or Chris. I don't want to touch them, or listen to them or deal with them. I feel so guilty handing myself over to it and so weakened by it at the same time. Evan is a creature who operates on baser instinct and desire, with no real sense of action and consequence. So, when he stuffs his cars into Chris's surround sound, sub woofer and proudly announces his accomplishment, I should exercise patience, right? I shouldn't continually screech, "Why did you do that, Evan?", while trying to jam my hand in the hole and contemplating locking him in his room for the rest of the day, as a means of prolonging his existence. In the general scheme of things a car in the speaker is nothing, but when you add the speaker onto the list of misshaps for the day, it becomes a loaded gun with a hairpin trigger, piercing right through my patience tank. The same could be said for Chris. There are days the poor man can do nothing right, literally. Weekends when I work, I know I'm coming home to a sink full of dishes, beds unmade and Evan, stuffed into clothes that have the words "24 Months" written right on the label. Some day's Chris takes him out of the house in those undersized shirts and pants! Sure, I can take some blame. Maybe I've been too lazy recently to reorganize the drawer and put those snug fitting articles in storage, but can't he read a frickin' label? Doesn't it look just a bit off to him? I love my husband and he's a fantastic dad and partner. He works hard and sacrifices so I can be there, with Evan and experience all the stages of his growth. He doesn't complain often and steps in to help out, even after a long day. I love my kid. Evan is smart, he's developed his own sense of humor and his curiosity can be his most endearing quality, if not his most frustrating one. Even recognizing all these amazing characteristics, there are days those good points become completely invisible in a fog of accidents, mistakes and misunderstandings. I've stopped feeling bad about it. I used to try and ignore the feelings or work them out. Now I go with it. Some days, none of us can make anyone else happy and that's alright. Some afternoons are really bad, without hope or rescue in sight and that's okay, too. What's even more okay, is allowing myself to be really disappointed in those days and not feel like a failure because I can't "keep it together." The more I try to keep myself from shattering, the more pieces need to be swept up when it's all over. I'm not saying I neglect my kid. I'll read him a book if he brings it too me, I'll sit and eat lunch with him quietly, I may even put the television on for a little bit and sit with him while he watches his show. The thing I don't try to do anymore, is force playful interaction with him, while blinding myself to my annoyance. The same thing goes for Chris. Let me be clear in saying I am fully aware there are days Chris and Evan can't stand to be near me, either. Toddlers are even more perceptive than adults in most cases when it comes to emotion.How many times can a two and a half year old or a grown man, for that matter, hear the words "NO", "Stop" and "Don't touch", before a major league meltdown or argument is initiated? I don't begrudge them their right to be obstinant and I hope the same goes for me. "But what if something happens to one of them and the last contact we had was full of tension and anger?" I used to tell myself that in a last ditch effort to keep things copasetic. Fuck that! What are the odds, really? And, is a day of anger going to negate a lifetime of love and respect? I don't operate on what if's anymore. What if tomorrow Chris caves my head in with a brick because I'm overbearing and needy and he can't take it anymore? I don't mind going to bed pissed off. I don't have any problem deflecting my sons manipulative attempts to be cute and gain favor after he realizes he might have gone too far. I no longer have a problem hating my child on days when he is finding it hard to be likable, though I will always love and care for him, even in my most displeased state. We pissed my mom off a lot when we were kids. She had a saying and she used it repetitively. "Just remember, I will always love you. I DON'T have to like you."