12/28/09 Superiority should be medicated.

Today I took Evan to see "Disney On Ice", with my mom. It was an experience. So many over-exposed bulges, bobbing around in shiny tights. It was almost hypnotic. The only thing that kept me entertained, was the thought that perhaps these performers spent intermission, chugging down Popov and wondering which wrong turn sent them careening into a full sized fish suit and away from their Olympic dreams. Funny, right...and heartbreaking. Then another thought crossed my mind. At least they were doing SOMETHING. These people had a dream at one point in their lives, maybe not skating in a kick line with 14 other guys dressed like Genie's, but a dream they'd tried to grab. And what if this was their dream? Kudos to them! What kind of lazy, unmotivated bastard was I to sit in judgement of them, because I could never imagine myself dressed as a 6 foot candelabra, singing "Be Our Guest", to an audience of screaming, napping 2 to 7-year-olds? The worst kind of bastard! A douche bag, with an inferiority complex, who overcompensates with a superiority complex. "I may not be doing anything special, but at least I'm not slipping around in a tutu, lip syncing "It's a Small World After All." Really, scientists should be working on a pill for this. It would clarify my entire existence, if I was mentally/medically incapable of feeling better than anyone else, by simply justifying my laziness with superiority. As a side note, "It's a Small World After All" would have been much more believable, if the different ethnicity's weren't all represented by skaters of the pale, blond persuasion. Anyway, what is it that makes me want to throw up my hands, before I even leave the gate? Defeat is a disease that is so hard to vaccinate. I give up before I even try, because it saves so much time. Why do something I'm not 100% sure I'm going to succeed at? What's the point? I don't have that kind of energy to waste. The vegetarian meal, thing. I printed up all these recipes and yeah, it was a lot of prep. Sure, it may have cost a little bit more than boiling a hot dog. The underlying reason I didn't make an attempt to cook a homemade, vegetarian dinner? I was so nervous that it wouldn't taste the way it looked, or I'd screw it up and would've spent all this time and money on something that I'd just end up throwing out. I know this must sound like a common lament and rest assured, the bigger reason is because I am, purely lazy and have neither the patience or focus to follow specific directions. I just think, what if I tried it and it came out brilliant? What if I made it and Chris actually did like it? Cooking dinner seems like a small goal, but really, unless you're living a life of extreme wealth, adrenaline and leisure time, those small goals are like metaphorical mountains. Haricot bean loaf is my Everest and thinking about attempting it, fills me with dread. So, what am I getting at, here? Haricot bean loaf is tantamount to "Disney on Ice" and my inferiority complex is my excuse for being an asshole? Even the guy in the Genie suit, might have had a larger goal in life and if he could try and fail in front of tens of people, why am I afraid to look silly to myself? And if the guy in the genie suit happens to read this, the jackknife, kick thing was superb and you are a master in your art.