Jury of your peers

You know me, I'm not one to judge, but good lord do women know how to cut each other down for no apparent reason, or is it just me? I've made more than my fair share of personal assessments so I know when people say, "I'm not one to judge," or my favorite, "You know I love Marci, but...", we are noting or have noted any "wrong doings" to share with someone else, who has probably never been one to judge.

 Finding other's weakness' is like shooting fish in a barrel. Fashion, diet, hygiene,childcare...everybody has something they're not the best at, as well as somebody to point that shortcoming out to them. I've been known to deliver criticism directly, but for the most part, my "suggestions" surface after the beacon of imperfection has left...because I am a pussy and I fear confrontation. Critiques come in the form of gentle ribbing i.e. "You should tell your kid to shake hands with the rest of the playground, so all of the kids will be sanitized." I've served the "compliment sandwich", "You're so attentive to germs. With that much sanitizer your kids will never build up antibodies. You are the cleanest person I've ever met!" I've used it's more passive cousin, the self-effacing simile: "You know I'm about as hygienic as a farm hog, so what do I know but, isn't that a taaaad too much sanitizer?" I tend to be a gray area type of condescending bitch, but there are those who put it right out there in black and white. You know them? The ones we denounce for their lack of  self-censorship? "Jesus H! What do you, go through, like,a bottle a day? That kid must have NO freakin' immune system!" Sometimes I tell myself I'm being helpful; offering advice for which no one has asked. Other times, I convince myself it's out of love; that's where the, "You know I love so and so," comes into play. But in the end it translates into the same thing, "I think I'm better than you and this is why." We all do it, everyday, whether we call it what it is or keep it under the guise of caring/concern. Those of us that deny it are the ones that are the most guilty. 

I was talking to my friend, Shanna last week about parenting and being a mom in particular. For every mother issuing a punishment, reacting to an injury or dealing with defiance, there are 3 more standing in judgement of her every decision. I know this because, like I said, nine times out of ten, I'm one of those 3. And, it goes deeper than sanitizer, no pun intended. Society has heaped so much scrutiny onto our shoulders, from how we handle our kids, to how we handle our homes, to how we handle ourselves; don't you think it's time we, as sisters in the battlefield that is child-rearing, let up on each other?

When we choose to stay at home and raise our kids, we're seen as martyrs who lack goals. When we choose to go to work each morning and leave our children in the capable hands of a daycare provider or nanny, we're seen as selfish and lacking a nurturing instinct. Whoa, there are women who don't want to be the primary nurturer? (I've yet to hear a man get reamed out for not choosing that role.) And still, some of us have no choice either way and are forced in one direction or another. Women have to WANT  to wear every hat and wear them well, lest we be condemned by the jury of our peers, who think they could do it better. Talk about damned if you do, damned if you don't. Both Shanna and I really thought about what it meant to be pigeonholed by other people's assumptions and by our own gender. It sucks. It sucks that we barely know each other and feel like we can make complete character assessments based on...what? What a mom decided to wear that day? Their weight? Their children's weight? Their discipline techniques? Their lack of discipline techniques? What we heard from the nanny?

When I think back on the all the parenting assassinations I've made, regarding people I hardly knew, it's astounding. I mean, I'm not one to judge, but if you ask me, I'm a douche bag. I'm also jealous, insecure, bored with my own life and overcompensating for what I feel are my personal shortcomings as a mother and a woman. I'm not saying I'm going to completely stop judging people, because that would be an out and out lie. Criticism is like nicotine; you don't go cold turkey. What I am saying is, I'm going to start being a lot more empathetic to the fact that we don't exist in a box. Every mom...every person, lives according to what works for them, not for me. Let's stop scrutinizing each other and get back to scrutinizing men. It's their fault...everything is their fault ; )

(End Note: We haven't, actually stopped scrutinizing men, they've just stopped caring.)